Notes of Doubt

It's September
Tuesday, September 2, 2003

Because the calendar has changed, so I feel like to jot down something.

I was surprised to find out that my English site has been visited mainly by access from Japan but not Malaysia, especially after I have decided to give it a new change since two months ago, from Ken Loo's World to Notes of Doubt. Okay, I didn't really check before, only recently I decided to have a check to see what's the response from last month. Regional wise, U.S. is the second and Malaysia is after that. Does the statistic prove anything? Nope, of course not. But, all the while, I thought I was speaking to my Malaysian fellow from Malaysia, somehow now I realised that in fact there are more people who might want to hear from me than my Malaysian friends. And, who are these people anyway? Who are you guys? Have you been following me? Thank you and sorry if I didn't notice you.

Added a few new links which I had before but totally forgotten. If you leave it there, it will be left. Some which the links were broken have been ignored till I confirm. This is an order, and no argument is allowed to take place. Period.

Next time, I might want to talk about "truth." Yes, for those who are familiar with it, you know what I am talking about. For those who are new, to tell the truth, it is based on a true story. Just to give you some appetizer before I serve the full course.

An Old Acquaintance

April 24, 2003

I was in the train on the way to work. This salaryman was kind of doing his revision most probably preparing himself for a meeting to come or something. The dogeared A4 sized paper powerpoint-sheet that he was reading, was full of highlighted terms which I was familiar with. He could be the one who's going to lecture the new employees in the company. His boss must have given him the same lecture before. Now it's his turn for him to be on the management side. I couldn't stop myself trying to stalk him for a while to find out what he was reading. I knew the company name. It was my ex-company.

My previous company, the Japan branch, is near to my current office. I know, it has nothing to do with me anymore now. . .

Equality of Opportunity. Sounds familiar. I made those similar presentation powerpoint for my boss before.

Call me paranoid, I could tell his background — roughly — from his appearance, what sort of position he is in the office now. He was tapping his foot nervously, but he tried very hard to control himself, though it looked difficult.

From his appearance, he can't be a veteran in the industry. He might be from other field. Finance, may be, finance is not doing good, so he could not get good candidates for his clients. He has target to meet every month. His boss must be demanding him to achieve target, and at the same time, getting his subordinates to meet the total target. It's not an easy job. Pressure from the job. Yes, yes, I know. I understand.

Wasn't it part of the reasons I left my previous company? I wonder how long will he stay. He can't be long either.

      
You Live in Paradise and I Live in Hell
Friday, September 5, 2003

I got a Japanese friend Miho, who got a Singaporean friend K, who came over to Japan once for a visit, and then K started to tell Miho that life in Singapore is boring, Japan sounds good to her, those you live in paradise but I live in hell kind of comparison which, err is quite subjective. When Miho told me about that, I said, yeah, some of my Malaysian net friends also think the same. They all have a good impression about Japan when they read about my life, and other Japan based personal journal from my links as well. But, in some way, I think it doesn't have to be Malaysia, rather there are many Malaysians who tend to claim that "life is boring." Miho asked me what's so good about Japan, ironically asked me also that as I have been here for 4 years, I should have realised that life here is no better than in Malaysia or in Singapore.

If you want to think that civilization is good, then I have to tell you that, nowhere is good and nowhere is bad. I think the grass is always greener next door, especially when you don't know the real situation about the opposite, you just want to run away from the present, the real life. The only thing that can stop it is to live with your real life.

So, what was the reason I left for Malaysia then? Well, I lived in paradise while I was in Malaysia. I grumbled a lot, because my life was too easy, so I chose to leave my home sweet home. That's my reason.

      
Tales of Dreams
Saturday, September 6, 2003

This is a fiction. Dare you try to figure out how it relates with my real life, you are insane.

A Dream

I had a dream. It was an old old dream. In dream, the rooms was full of square red papers that filled with 4-letter Chinese phrase. Each of them carries the meaning of money or wishes for prosperity. The Chinese calligraphy that was brushed in gold liven the spirit of New Year celebration. All the blessing of prosperity were hung on the wall upsidedown, onomatopoeic-ally to indicate the arrival of prosperity to the home, "fall" and "come" share the same pronunciation of dao.

All the kids were playing outside, wrapped around by the light of fireworks in the dark. Lionised by the election of candidates who should light the main fireworks, somehow there hasn't seemed any nomimee to light the sacred fire.

I checked at the clock, it's almost time. I burned an incense and walked out of the house. Shouting out loud at the kids "move back!" while closing one side of my ears, I pointed the incense at the fireworks. "Pang, ping, pong, pangpangpang, pangpangpang!" Without a second, the sky was coloured with red pieces of papers in darkness, the time was as if stopped for a while when pieces of pieces of red papers started to fall slowly and gently onto the ground. Kids were clapping hands like someone has won a gold medal from the Olympic. That's good.

Kyong Hi Fuat Jai! Kyong Hi Fuat Jai! Happy New Year! Everyone was greeting each other to celebrate the new and promised prosperious year's arrival. I looked at everyone, satisfied by the happiness that kids brought me, I started to give out the small red envelope angpao that contained a little cash in it.

After I finished the angpao, one of them who was only as tall as my waist, walked unsteadily towards me and hugged my leg. I hold him in my arm, playing his nose with a finger, I said to him, grow up fast, so you will light the fireworks for the family next year, huh? Sleepily he hugged my neck and laid against my shoulder. I know I can count on him.

Another Dream

I had a dream. It was the same boy but has grown bigger now. He was in his primary school uniform. The minute he walked into the room, he threw himself into the bed. From his shoulder, I could see he was shivering. Slowly I walked to him, putting my hand at his back, trying to console him. When he realised it was me, he started to burst into tears. I hugged him tightly. Oh god, for heaven sake, why do you do such a thing to a little kid like him, I said to myself.

Holding him in my arm, I took him to the living room. There was his mother, lying down in a coffin, quietly and peacefully.

And Another Dream

I had a dream. Everyone was speechless. The young man has his rucksack. His eyes looked nearly in tears. He tried to warm my hand by holding it firmly. There was announcement calling the last time for the passengers flying to Japan. He wiped his tears off, repeatedly he said to me, take good care. At that time, I strongly felt that I am not able to see him again anymore.

Another Dream Again

I had a dream.

I don't know why, everyone got sort of worked up. Suddenly, someone called "Daddy!" and everyone rushed to the room on the ground floor. Then "Daddy" came out of the room, and ordered one of the kids to make a call to Japan.

Out of curiosity, I couldn't stop myself wanting to see inside the room. When "Daddy" started to walk into the room again, I followed him. Just when he got near to the bed, "Daddy" started to burst into tears. Whenever he called the person's name, my heart seemed to startled simultaneously. He was as if calling his grandmother. Trying to get closer in order to take a much better look of the face in the bed, very slowly I moved towards and over "Daddy" head. When I could see the face, a dizzy spell started to hit my brain like suddenly I got exposed into a mirror with sunlight. At the same time, the back head of mine seemed to have beaten by someone, and I started to feel hard to breath and voice. Got out of the room, I ran desperately. I couldn't breath well, and I felt almost going to die. Why? Why? Why my face was in the bed, how could that happen. . .

The End of Dreams

Running with full speed, I didn't know how long it took, suddenly I started to fall downward with a very high speed. It could be in sea. I started to drink water, and falling fast. How long it took I couldn't tell, someone tried to save me out of the water. They were using pipe to extract the water out of me. At one point, I started to be able to voice again, I screamed out loud and it burst into tears. At somewhere nearby, there was a familiar voice like I have been hearing regularly.

"Don't cry, mummy's here." At her side, someone said "Congratulation! it's a baby girl." "Oh my girl, mummy's here, don't cry, don't cry."

All the conversation didn't make sense, somehow I know that it was the voice that has been with me for months already. I felt so tired and fell into sleep peacefully.

At Night

"Wai wai, where have you been to? I've been calling you."

"I went to the hospital. Tomorrow is the due date."

"Grandmum passed away just now. . ."

---

16th August. A day before a baby was born. The sky in summer night was specially clear. Stars were twinkling. Could it be illusion, the sky looked the same as that night. The night when I was horrified by noise of fireworks. . .

      
A Day with a Big Change
Sunday, September 7, 2003

Have you such a day in your life?

Birthday is probably one of them. I only feel there was a big change when I turned from 19 to 20, from 29 to 30, because figuratively the change was dramatically big mentally (I know, plus one only, but it was a big change), so yesterday when I turned 34 I didn't really have any special feeling. From when individual celebration has become so important? Why make a fuss on the date when one was born? Whose culture is this?

I remember this story. On your birthday, the person who needs to be remembered is your mother and not you, so on your birthday you should thank your mother because she took the risk that she might have died. Well, people have too much faith in medical technology advancement today, no one thinks that to give birth will die nowadays anyway. So, there is nothing to write about on my birthday, why am I making a fuss?

No, I just want to be reminded that I have turned 34 yesterday. Believe it or not, a 34-year-old writes this.

      
Finding Excuses to Blog
Friday, September 12, 2003

When you do something, you most probably want to feel good than bad about doing it, or sort of feel proud of being able to be part of it. Same as blogging, you need some good reasons for yourself to keep writing. Have I any reasons to blog? Yes, of course. Most of it, to show off. Yeah, what else do you think I am wasting my time to write with such a pain in my ass for? For self-esteem? My goodness. Save your diary in the computer then. Okay, a better word, to share with others what you think on the net. But still, more communication means more miscommunication. Can we really share what one has in the head with others? Can the others go into your head, stand on the same point as you and listen to your heart beat, feel and think like you? Understanding is a wish, nothing to do with capability of the others. Do understand what I said.

I swear to god, I really have nothing to say, but I just want to blog, burogu. Excuse me, atheist, how many times you talk to god in a week, for god's sake?

Lauren, you are so cute. Thank you. Yes, you are my reason to blog today.

      
Know Your Capability
Sunday, September 14, 2003

A Japanese guy, Iwammy, who left his hometown Hiroshima and went to Malaysia to teach Japanese for a year, just came back to Japan recently. He has been keeping his diary on the net for his family, but the family didn't seem to access it at all. Thank god, I have spent time reading it with lots of fun.

There are lots of interesting things about his experience in Malaysia to me. There is one diary which was about Malaysian attitude of jungle tracking, about how a Japanese sees jungle tracking as a sports, but Malaysian seems to treat jungle tracking with absolutely no knowledge, just goes into jungle without a map, playing a game with a totally unknown, etc. That part is a bit too long, I might take sometime to look into it.

Anyway, today's about his shopping, because I just went to shop and came back with a hint of what he meant.

Iwammy went for shopping at a supermarket. Due to he didn't go to supermarket often - may be once in a two-month time - he found himself carrying too much stuff heading to the cashier at the end, although he has been checking carefully the things which he didn't need or not needed to buy immediately. But, since he didn't go shopping often, and no harm to treat himself by taking a cab back once in a while, so he didn't try to control the volume of his list. That, was the cause for everything, he recalled.

It never stops to amaze me that the Malaysian supermarket always having only trainees at the cashier counter. And when luckily they have got rid of their trainee tags, immediately they will start to loaf as they like, blocking customers' way by gathering around in front of the shelf, on a busy Sunday.

When he got back, he never felt such a moment that the body produced so high density of adrenalin (his expression) whilst he sorted things out to put into the fridge and freezer. He didn't feel the chilled package. Sliced cheese and 10-piece frozen chicken hamburger were missing, which was the main purpose he intended to get. He recalled, it wouldn't be in the taxi as he was holding it tight. Where could it be? Cashier counter. Why the cashier didn't remind him, just say, hey you missed you bag, he was damn mortified. He said,

Not two bags, it was three bags.

I purposed quote the last sentence, because it's the key point.

Anyway, I went shopping too today, you guessed it. We were buying cats' sand, milks, and other stuff for bathroom use. Not much, it could be squeezed and put into 2 bags, but, in Japan, food stuff and pet's stuff always been put separately even though both are well rapped packaging. And this middle-age lady said,

"You will have 3 bags in total, is it okay?"

Yeah, 3 bags, what's wrong? Nothing wrong. But if what Iwammy-san wrote was from his daily practise, then there might be a consencus in this country that, "2 bags" is normal, and if it turns out to be more, like 3 bags, as a courtersy, you got to send a reminder to the customer, because human being only have 2 hands basically, we are not Indian gods, and you don't expect everyone to drive a car to buy things. One hand for one thing theory.

I got a bit excited, because I found a hint of my question, not an answer. I can write to Iwammy-san to check with him on that part, but that's not the point. The point is to have this unsolved question in myself, so that it will remind me to search for more examples for this theory.

When our ancestor - while we were still relatives to gorilla - climbed down from trees in the jungle and walked out towards the ground, we have had given up on speed, turned our both front legs to we called it hands now (and got all of us a bad backache that gorilla never had before), and by utilised both our hands, that's how we got our craftmanships and skill. Somehow, at some point, skill has gone too far that we don't depend on our hands anymore. Technology is another name of tool. We rely on the myth of technology too much. But the thing is, tool is still a tool. It may sound smarter to call it technology, but it is just another tool. Mechanism can work all day, but it simply does only one work at a time. A computer is still a computer, it doesn't make you smarter even though it may make it looks as if you are smarter by having a better speed of a machine, and if you think you have gone smarter with it, you might want to take another IQ text again.

Think back, in fact, we haven't given up on speed with both front legs, rather we try to use tool/technology to catch speed. Before people travelled by walking, now people travel with plane. Has travelling itself changed? No, it hasn't changed though the mean has changed dramatically. Travelling still has the same magnetism that drives human being crazy for the people before and now, may be not all, but most of the people still want to travel and see the world. The problem is, travelling with too fast the speed now, and we are under a misapprehension that we see more things. But do we see things better? That's the blind point. Do you see my point?

So, what's my point? If you have only two hands, you better carry only 2 bags at one time, so that you are reminded that we have no more than two hands while shopping.

Know your capability, that's right.

      
A Few Old Collections
Monday, September 15, 2003

Thousand Leaves

November 10, 2002

In my university, on the way walking towards the campus there was lines of keyaki (a Japanese tree of the genus Zelkova - Shin Eiwa Chujiden, Kenkyusha) on both sides of the pathway. And when the fall came, the orange-browny colour was really beautiful. I love autumn but not winter.

I loved to go before the class started in the morning and stepped on the carpeted thousand leaves of keyaki. A fricative sound from the dried leaves was kind of sentimental but nice. It was all in green the other day.

When winter comes, all will be gone.

The Mechanism of Knowing

November 14, 2002

Your read blogs, then you learned something. If you want to know more, then you got to keep reading, and ended up addicted to knowing more. Just like "time," you can't go back to "I don't know." You are in between "I've known" and "want to know more."

Doubt is always very psychological. Once it's solved, it's no more doubt anymore. Doubt is always a doubt.

This doubt about "knowing" just came to me, so I thought of writing it down.

Hey what happen to you today? Something went wrong? Are you working too hard or what?

I don't know.

Keep it Warm Always

November 16, 2002

My wife cannot go out to shop on weekday. It's indeed quite a burden to prepare two babies' dressing just to buy little things. She tried to get the stuff through net, somehow the pampers still not arrive yet. I have been working really late this week.

Last Thursday, she emailed me the list of things to pick up if I go back early. 2kg of rice, Karin's pampers, and something warm, to heat up the cold dish of our relationships.

Left office earlier than usual, I went to the supermarket and bought the stuff, plus 4 cuts of cakes.

The Way It Was

November 18, 2002

I didn't realize the English title of the video I watched was called The Road Home until Jason reminded me. I knew it as "Hatsukoi no kita michi" in Japanese. It's a famous Chinese movie roadshowed quite some time ago. The Chinese title is My father My mother. Jason summarised it well.

A flashback, the movie is about love, about how a girl falls in love with a guy, simple as that. But, the way she expresses it without really saying a word more than her passion through action is the part that moves me.

A kind of pureness in the heroine that makes me think about what I might have had in me but no more now. Or the way things should be that I thought I wanted it to be but not now. Once in a while, I'd think of going back to the way it was, not about childhood, but the way I took things about life. And for heaven sake, I seem to have frozen it in the fridge and forgotten totally about it.

And the thing is, I can't defrost it and that really makes me sad. It's still frozen in me, I suppose.

      
Iro ha Poem
Saturday, September 20, 2003

When I was still in Japanese language school - more than 10 years ago -, my teacher passed me a copy of this iroha uta with an English translation in it. I found this copy last week while I was searching for some old books, this poem is so nice that I forgot what I was searching! I wanted to keep this copy somewhere because I always forget about it. At last, I decided to scan it and saved it on the net.

"Though gay in hue, [the blossoms] flutter down, alas!

Who then, in this world of ours, may continue forever?

Crossing today the uttermost limits of phenomenal existence,

I shall see no more fleeting dreams, neither be any longer intoxicated."

Iro ha, a poem of the Heian period,* translated by Basil Hall Chamberlain (1859—1935)

This poem uses each hiragana only once, including wi and we that are not used in today's Japanese. It not only shows the influence of Buddhism, it reflects the Japanese basic principle even in today as well to me. There are lots of iroha version of translations on the net, but it is always nice to know some classic version. And to go with it, I have changed the top background to some Japanese pattern. Enjoy!

*Heian period (794—1192)

      
Batu Pahat
Monday, September 22, 2003

Ikezawa Natsuki brought up the place name Batu Pahat on few week ago's Syuukan Bunshun, a weekly magazine, about Kaneko Mitsuharu, a poet, and a French (Rambo, may be) where two of them met at Bali Island. Batu Pahat is a town in southern Malaysia, under Johor state. I can't recall the title of the book. Batu Pahat becomes well known because Kaneko wrote a book entitled Marei ran-in kiko (Travelogue to Malay Penisula and Indonesia) in 1940. I was surprised to know Ikezawa brought up the topic.

Anyway, here is a paragraph from Bernama about history of Batu Pahat.

http://www.bernama.com/johor/history2.htm#bp

I can't fint much about Batu Pahat in English or Malay. Apparently there aren't many who write personal details about each birth place. Most of the web pages have the tendency to write for tourism. This shows something: Malaysians are not brought up to write, or to speak? Or Malaysians are not interested in where we are from and how the environment that shaped us?

I tried to search in Japanese, and found lots of mentions about the place, most of them went with Kaneko's travelogue. It's like a bible to travel Batu Pahat. My goodness! Just like people would prefer to watch National Geographic than to go into jungle to see themselves with their own eyes, because people today are more interested in information but not any discovery of their own anymore.

This Kaneko's poem, at first when I read a few pages of it, I didn't like it. He was in a lost at the time when he travelled to Malay penisula, there was no mention of sunset, no sun, only mist or rain, and Malay through his sentence was kind of a different world, not the place where I was born and brought up. Well, I wasn't brought up at Batu Pahat, but I don't think it differs so much from Kuala Lumpur. Even though it was in 1940, but hey it was misty and all of a sudden after I was born, the whole world has changed to a place filled with hot sun, and hot hot sun? How can that be? Please don't tell me everyone has different point of view. What I wanted to say was, someone needs to come up with another opinion about the place, at least it gives a comparison.

Just like my father-in-law before her daughter married with me, I am sure it was the influence by TV, he said, how can I let my daughter go and live in the jungle on banana trees? Listen carefully, banana trees! He must have imagined I was brought up running around with a piece of banana leaf with me. I should have use a spear to poke into his mouth. Shut up.

By the way, why am I got so excited about Batu Pahat? How is Batu Pahat like actually?

      
Spirited Away
Tuesday, September 23, 2003

Sorry to disappoint you if you think I am talking about Miyazaki Hayao. It's about ghost, spirit.

A Malaysia paper, China Press, has a column (in Chinese) that I have been wanting to figure out more. It's a column that has collection of all the ghost-involved stories or unidentified incident/accident that cannot be explained sensibly, happened in Malaysia and was reported to police or to the press. I used to read this sort of story before while I was in my secondary school. I read it with different kind of feeling now though. I treat it like entertainment, or cultural thing now. Before it was part of my life, something I got to grow up with. What I am interested in it also was, what does the reporter's stand when he/she writes it.

A spirit, for example goes into a human body and all of a sudden, the spirit gets the non-Chinese to speak Chinese, as what the spirit wanted to appeal, etc. When a spirit has a capability to speak a foreign language, that makes everything suddenly spirited away. "You see, I told you," a favourite cliche by ghost-believer.

Well, whether the word ghost, spirit, bogey, specter, or even phantom, it's just by definition some existence which/who live in another different world from us. I think it is some kind of human being's desire to see oneself, or sometimes it can be seen as want to communicate with others. Isn't that what we all are interested in, people in another world? Oh, some of you might be interested in calling it alien, or E.T.? Whatever.

I read a few of the collection, it sometimes involves accidents, but always ends up as an explanation that the spirit isn't all bad ones. The unoffensiveness of spirit. I am interested in if there is any good dracula in the west. In any haunted house, is there any good ghost in European's belief? Jump back to Chinese ghost story, why in Chinese movies, kyonsii (Chinese dracula? A dead body that jumps around with both hand put straight front.) is always played as a funny character, or been treated as comedy? Does Chinese treat dead people a totally different thing? Or treat them still alive, like friends? To change my sentence, who are those that you will think they are the bad guy, the evil, the devil, Satan? Then, ghost might not be treated as the same dead people by Chinese. Could it be?

This sort of theory needs more proof, I think. But, how to prove that there exists ghost or even god?

My meditation is quite ghost-like today.

In the movie Contact, Jodie Foster, who is an atheist, believes that there is other highly intelligent species try to make contact with human being, err no, American. So, she travelled to space, but her experience was lack of persuasiveness, other than some consistant noise left in record. It's something funny about European science because it always directly or indirectly has thing to do with this unidentify. If there is any highly intelligent species, and be so kind not attacking human being (American), and be so friendly to send messages to human being (American), who is this thingy? Can this unidentify be contacted? For heaven sake, my god! The answer is of course a NO!

Is it why religion is called a belief? By the way, do you believe in spirit?

      
A Lovely Autumn Saturday
Saturday, September 27, 2003

Okay, what should I do on a lovely sunny autumn Saturday?

Oh yeah, may be just a few things.

Dusty, Well, I am sure you already know it by now, that jelly is called kon-niaku (konnyaku is how it is written in Japanese, the pronunciation is kon-niaku), yes it is good for diet. I always bring it back as souvenir for friends and relatives. When you tell the ladies it's good for diet, they will open their eyes wide like they see a piece of gold, a goldfish, and say something like, wow the Japanese are really. . . . What is that ". . ." thing, one wonders.

Lauren, thanks for the 100 things. How could you make it so interesting that people can go and read it all in one go? You're good. I didn't even finish mine, AT ALL.

Got to get out of the house. Before that, clean, clean, clean, and now the house is sparkling clean.

Oh ladies, do you know that there is no bone in guy's d-i-c-k? Aha. There was an assistant in a lab, when the doctor asked what would you do when you operate a penis, she answered check where the bone is first. I was asked before, how that bone can expand so big. Wow. When I was younger, I thought it was something like gristle. Oh, Richard. And guys, do you know, only homo sapien's penis has no bone? Even our relatives chimpanzee has one, little one.

A lesson a day, today we have ethology. Or, sociology?