Wednesday, October 1, 2003
I mean gone is September. And winter is going to knot the door soon!
I managed to figure out how to get the first 100 (50+50) words of each post to be published in my news feed rss.
At work, I am quite free now. I am employed to do so little work. If I deduct the free time that I have, and divide my salary by the hours I've worked, goodness, my hourly pay might be higher than my boss ma'n. Am I smarter than the boss? It's smarter not to tell the boss though. Management is not an easy job, you got to be really calculative to be a successful management stuff. I've had that part, so no thanks anymore. I don't do well in arithmetic though I got Chinese blood in me. I can count to may be million but not billion. Zero kills me.
Previously, I worked as interpreter in Malaysia on a non-regular basis. To convert the hyakumanyen into million, I always got so panic. Zenzen dame (totally out). I do so well in meditation, but no in figures, totally. Oh my Buddha!
By the way, do you know where did Buddhism come from and where it propagated to, right? Yes, It was from India and spread out to China. But now, where are those regions of Buddhism? Nepal? The Himalayas? Thai? Do you see the pattern? Why is it not in India and China, but the surrounding? Buddhism is the thinking of nature, whereas India and China once were at the peak of metropolitan civilisation. In any city life, human being tends to get rid of nature. Why? Because nature against planning and schedule. Anything that cannot go by plan, we tend to get rid of it. Think of your life now, you should know the answer.
Again, digging out the old posting, for old time sake. Just to say hi to the past.
A Winter SundayNovember 25, 2002
Right after I cornered a residential building, sunset knocked me down on the asphalt flat and stretched. My wife, Karin and Erin stepped on my head from a distance, Erin was teasing with another me, stepping front and back repeatedly. When has she started to walk steadily? I can't recall.
She sped toward me. I grabbed her and threw her high in the sky. Her giggles echoed and tumbled down the street, and landed in front of some pedestrians. They paused and smiled at us. I smiled in return. Gave Erin another throw. She giggled again.
It's a winter Sunday.
Be Able to Think Only While Busy
Wednesday, October 8, 2003
Busy now at work. It must be the curse for what I said the other day, free like hell. Oh, I shouldn't have said that. And strange enough, it is only when I am busy that I feel like to update my blog. Why so? Frustration, could be.
Yes, I am doing fine, thank you, if you concern. No news means good news. As it is cold nowadays, reading various of books that I got from my friends, and am just lazy to write down what I am thinking in my head. Not that it is not important, it is too important that I want to rethink about it before I write.
Busy in Chinese is written heart-dies. When you keep your client busy. . ., is that why or how you get more busi-ness? I sensed that is a basic thinking which are the same or similiar between the East and West.
Oh, you want to read some old articles? Here you are, take it or leave it. Don't complain I don't write. I am guiding you to a direction. Honest speaking, I think the things that I wanted to write/express, basically I have written it all within the last one year. Life is a big circle, you just go round and round, like take a ride on a Merry-Go-Round. Tighten your seat-belt. Here we go.
Where Has The Heart Gone To?9 April, 2003
While I was in university, I met lots of people. Some who speak strange Japanese, even stranger than me. Not to say that they slang, but it is the formal Japanese that like what one learns from textbook, "This is an apple," sort of tone, which the normal Japanese would not use sometimes. You hear those Japanese in textbook, one that teach you grammatically correct Japanese. So, one would never really learn daily Japanese, this was how I felt.
Masaya, my uni-mate, who had been to US for a year, never try to speak to me in English because he knows I want to learn Japanese. And he knows that no point trying to change himself just to suit the whole world. So, he always speaks the way he uses to speak, and that I learned a lot from him. Like a phrase hara wo waru.
For instance, when you say let's talk frankly, there are people who might say, hanashimasho, so that gaijin foreigner like me would understand, just exactly what it means, "let's talk." But, a good expression that the Japanese use is, hara wo waru, which literally means break ones abdomen (stomach). Do you know why Japanese samurai committed suicide with harakiri, an American word (or English word?) for seppuku, cutting ones abdomen? Because Japanese used to think the abdomen is the central of heart.
In Japanese language, when you get angry, previously people used to say hara ga tatsu. Abdomen rises. In Tokyo you seldom hear it unless from the elderly, or nowadays metropolitan life nevers encourage people to speak with one heart opens. Later the expression changes to atama ni kuru, hit ones head. Brain has become the central of every thinking. Like cyberspace*. Now you hear more of mukatsuku from every young and old Japanese, an onomatopoeic (?) word, something like get pissed off, may be. The physical body disappears from the language.
Sometimes, don't you hear people say that Japanese are ambiguous or undecisive? May be because they have started to lose their hearts, that's why.
Cyberspace Where We Live In26 February, 2003
Let's have a look at this word, cyber, which derived from cybernatics (coined in 1948) or cybernation (coined in 1961). Perhaps a first look at Webster's New World Dictionary, Third College Edition (1988)?
The science dealing with the comparative study of human control systems, as the brain and nervous system, and complex electronic systems.So, it's the brain. It's an imitation of our brain. Brain likes to control, likes management, and it likes system as well. Why? Because something we cannot imagine, the brain will hate it. Everything must be under control. Which also telling us that cyberspace means, the imagined world in our heads. Our so-called society doesn't exist anywhere because it is all in our heads. Could that be? Very high chance I am close to it. That is where we are living in now, the imagined communities.
* Jason who brought up the phrase Imagined Communities at Kurt's post entitled Crises of conscience, and being accountable. It has nothing to do with the real talk directly, but the word just stroke me.
MT in Japanese
Monday, October 13, 2003
James at Hindsight wrote to me asking about how to display Japanese correctly with MT, movabletype software. As I have given up on MT and I did a very different way (started with MT 2.1) even different from most of the Japanese MT users now, so I pointed him to Rudolf (tawawa.org), who uses MT with UTF-8 character setting for both of its students' group weblog in English and Japanese. Kiyo is also running both English and Japanese now.
I run also both Japanese (kenloo.com) and English (the one you are reading now), as I am not a technical guy, visually how my site is viewed is more important than how "standard" that it achieves. Looking around for those sites that use UTF-8 setting, the so-called standard css just doesn't work. I personally think that displaying English contents with Japanese font looks really ugly on a Japanese computer. So, I did it my way. Besides, most of my readers basically have no Japanese knowledge background, so no point for me to talk to myself. Well, I have been talking to myself all the while though.
James, hope you find the way to work it out. And you have a very good project which I think it would be nice to share with others here (at Statement of agreement, the Hindsight Project). The particular "statement of agreement" is a quicktime video on his stay in Japan. And he says,
Dedicated to those who swim in nostalgia.
How lovely! Tha phrase is very Wong Kar Wai-esque to me. Yeah, the Hong Kong movie director.
Monism and Dualism
Thursday, October 16, 2003
Some new words (in English) which I never used before.
It has things to do with any society, the way to approach life, and of course religion. In English I often hear people say about "the truth." I suspect the bottom line is, the belief/thinking that there is an unchanged theory out there which makes the world and people feel much secure and safe to know/have it. But, let's say before you walk into a hospital, you see cherry blossom, how nice, may be later go and buy a bento lunch box with a beer, sit down under the tree to enjoy it. But, when you meet the doctor, doctor announced that you got cancer and you are left only a week. Then you walk out, you look at the cherry blossom again, will the excitement stay? Gosh, you think it will be the last cherry blossom! So, things don't change, only people change. It's how the way we see things that keep changing. Due to that, we need to know that, the "Me" yesterday wasn't the "Me" today. So, how can we find any truth?
When I was younger, we had more than one statue of gods (buddhist) at the house. Sometime I challenged my family, which one do you really believe? Come to think about it, things supposed to be that way. There are many gods, just like there are no exactly same human being in the world. Everyone is born individually and different. If we cannot accept that fact that we are different, how can we live in a human society?
Christianity and Islam always quarrel. Is it because each of them believes that there is only one god out there? My god!
My America
Thursday, October 16, 2003
Once in a while, I wonder how much do I really know America. I know nothing. I know nothing about America. There are lots of influences that come from American media, or "the America" that the media reports, should I say, which makes me angry or sometimes sadden me. I don't think I need to give examples. But, after I started reading blogs, I then found out that, most of my American friends might not like America (government), just like what I feel too. May be the problem is the government, not the people. What I mean is that, the hate in me towards "the America," which I presume lots of people out there share the same, is about the government, the problem is with the system, not about the people.
One of the reasons I want to know about America is that, it has lots of similarity with the way how Malaysia society is formed. I have lots of questions about Malaysia society, I have been having too much doubt about why there were so many things in me that didn't fit into the society, the place where I was born. It's not about immigrants having problem with settlements, more than that. Giving myself the best reason, I am still holding my Malaysian passport, and I want to go back and do something. Don't categorise me under patriotism. I don't believe in truth, journalism, nor justice. But, I think there is something I need to do in return to the place where I gain what I got now.
The more I talk in general, it is getting messy. It doesn't solve my problem nor doesn't it help clear things up in my mind. May be I should quit talking with abstract object. Perhaps the best way is, quit generalisation. Sayonara then.
Don't cry for me, America.
Neighbour Talk
Friday, October 17, 2003
My first girl's name is Erin, second is Karin. People ask, when will be the third one to come? I answer, no, we are not going to scatter "Sarin." May be a few years later, "Purin" (pudding) might sound delicious, but "Furin" (having an affair) might not be good. It's some kind of jokes playing with Japanese pronunciation. Anyway.
On the ground floor of the building where I live now, there are two shops. One is a salon, which the owner lives next door to us. Another shop, previously it was used as a research lab, not very sure as it only had the company's name as bla bla lab, yes a laboratory. It's always closed and all the blinds were shut down, of course, lab doesn't open the door to do research though. And once in a while, you see researchers wore white coat walking in and out, sweeping the corridor, the first thing came to me was, are you guys making sarin? You won't know.
The owner of the building lives nearby, apparently he has a few buildings, but he is selling taufu. It's a small community here, except intruder like me who got into this community because I wanted to rent an apartment room. Anyway.
Sometimes there is some repair work at the building and the guy who comes over to repair in fact is the nephew of the owner. Always him. ONLY him, and you wonder how can he do everything. Fishy. Except once in a while, he brings a few other guys who look really technical. Then we would suspect he might have messed thing up, in fact he did a few times. This guy, who is so huge, he looks like a bear, so we called him Kuma-san (Mr Bear, technical term used only internally). He is so talkative, that for only a while he came into the house to do some work at the veranda, I almost knew all the gossip of the whole community. What? The next door runs a snack pub at night nearby? How? I mean she is running a salon at the same time running a pub? My. The best part is, you know what the name of the pub? Karin. Oh my.
It's a small world.
A Bar Called Chatroom
Saturday, October 18, 2003
Yesterday after work, I walked from my office and went to a place called kagura-zaka. The reason I was there because I knew a person via net, Machilin, who runs a bar called "chatroom" there. I have not met her before, yesterday was the first time we met. And she could recognise me when I greeted her. Perhaps I am who I am, even from writing. Though her impression she gave me at the first sight wasn't the exactly the same as I felt through her words on the net. But, it goes well later that at the bottom line I am seeing the same person. She hasn't lived overseas before, but she learned French, Spanish, Cantonese by herself in Japan, and was an interpreter registered under French Embassy! You can find out more about her at here. I might try to install wordpress for her to write in English.
I like those bar that serves lots of sake and shochu (Shochu is a type of sake); like shochu made with perilla (siso), and sweet potato (imo). I didn't ask if "Chatroom" has or not though, I ever went to a shop where it has all vegetables shochu. Raddish (daikon), carrot (ninjin), wheat (mugi), etc. Yummy. I love that. So healthy. Yes, I know, it is alcohol.
Chatroom is just a little small bar that offer 8 seats only. Cozy. Depends on her girlfriend, who runs a French restaurant, sometimes you might get some lovely pie. Have you a chance, "chat" with her, you might love it.
Gone All the Analogs
Sunday, October 19, 2003
Camera. Besides the only one digital camera Fujifilm FinePIX - which my wife got as a present when she quit her previous company - I sometimes used Canon EOS 3000 series, a single-lens camera. A few months ago, a little chip to control autofocus/manual dropped out at somewhere which I couldn't recall, and now it has been sleeping aside in the cupboard.
The reason I prefer analog camera is that, digital data keeps increasing, and I don't know what to do with it. I would prefer to have the negative film and just keep it in an album, only a piece for a roll. When I try to use digital camera, the high tendency is that I don't dig it out to look at it anymore. It's back-uped in MO disc or in the computer, and I wonder when will I look into it again. When I get older? MO might not be in use by the time, I might lose all my memory. Whereas if I developed it and got it printed out, at least I can see them. Like photos of the kids, mainly the photos that decorates the house are the one I took with Canon and not digital camera.
Yesterday, I went to Shinjuku to look around for one. Inside me, I was thinking to buy a new one, but didn't want to spend too much money for it as I am not a serious photographer. When I went to electrical appliance store, all the analog cameras had gone! I meant there were no corners for the analog camera, all digital cameras. My goodness. Tried to go to another few bigger shops, there they were. It's getting so cheap even come along with another extra lens. Of course, there were almost no choices of modals: Canon one, Pentax one, and Minolta one (at beginner use camera corner). Of course, for a much higher price camera there still are lots of them, but I don't think I will ever have the money to buy it. I was looking for "for beginner use." Still the price ranged from 40, 000 yen to 60,000 yen. I am willing to pay less than 20,000 yen.
Later, I went to a second-hand shop. The prices looked tempting. Almost new around 20,000 yen or less. But, I don't know how to check what is what, and which is which. Of course, in my mind I have been thinking about this photographer. But the thing is, I don't even know clearly what I want, so I gave up on looking around. Might just send the camera for repair at Canon center. Though, always the case for any appliances, the chances that the money to buy another new one might be cheaper to pay for the repair fee.
Woozie-Fuzzy, Samurai Girl, and Miss Elle
Monday, October 20, 2003
Hey my friend woozie woozie, how have you been? And why can't I read your blog one? Are you banning me or what for heaven sake? Or have you frozen to death in Canada???
By the way, have you guys checked out about this Samurai Girl? Yeah, she plays her fountain pen as good as playing a sword, and can slice off you uncle Richard if you are naughty (Haha. No harm mean, Mochi-mochi). She is lovely. At her Japanese site, she got all sorts of funny news which I don't know where she picks it up, but all are very unique and interesting. Pity she is not doing bilingual for you who don't read Japanese. Yes, go and ask her if she will change her mind, if you are interested.
And Lauren, do you mind come over here? I am willing to set up a corner for you, really, I mean it. But, one thing you got to expect that I might burn the whole house and all data might just gone like that as I am not an expert, you know me. If you don't mind that, come over! I can do a new design for you. Throw all the boxes over, later we can get it done. Don't just go. Stay there, radio girl, you got lots of listeners and fans. You know that. (There must be someone offering by now!)
Well Said, Matt
Monday, October 20, 2003
Check it out. The Yomiuri Shimbun is over.
Not really related, the other day, I was talking to Machilin at her bar chatroom, I did mention about getting her to read some good English blogs as she said that she wanted to write more in English on the net. Then she mentioned to me, she is not interested in gaijin's writing in Japan, she thinks those who live outside Japan are more interested in listening to Japanese voice, that's why she wants to write even she says she is not good at English grammar.
Readers on the plaNET, please overlook my grammatical errors. I would like to use my time more to write than to worry about grammar.
Full Blast on Monday
Tuesday, October 21, 2003
Last Sunday, editorial manager called to my house number (I didn't give the management my personal email nor mobile phone), asked me to be at the office around 8:30 on Monday morning. There was a project going on which needed to be handed in on Monday evening. Didn't know what was really going on, just went.
If you didn't realise, in fact Sunday midnight, or Monday early hour, I was spending time on the net, updating my English blog. It was roughly just before 3 am the time I went to bed. That morning I was terribly sleeping. But tension was as high as the autumn blue sky.
So, rushed and rushed. Things went well, and another project, which is going on at the same time, got to hand in the latest data to the printing company. Prepared it in MO disc, and handed over. Besides, there were some other layout work. Worked and worked, like a dog.
Mobile mails kept snuggling into my pocket. I wrote something about the bar Chatroom in Japanese as well. Hama-san, my senior (20 years elder than me though) in university, read it and emailed me on my mobile if I were free to go again. Absolutely not a NO. I replied yes, but would only be free after 9 pm. He said it's okay. So, worked and worked, like a cow in a paddy field, till 8:30 pm and left the company.
It's better to have something in the stomach before you drink, even a small bowl of soba or udon would help. So, I grabbed a burger at McDonald's. Chewed chewed chewed, swallowed everything in 2 seconds, wrapped the paper and put in the pocket, knocked at the bar and there was Hama-san in the Chatroom. I haven't seen him for a while. He is the master of Japanese language. He wrote lots of articles before (and still is writing though), published books and non-serial magazine as well. A few times, he sent his articles to my wife and me. I copied it by hand onto a blank manuscript paper a few times in order to learn it by heart. The words, the expression, oh goodness, so rich and deep the vocabulary. How I wished to be able to write like him!
We talked about lots of things in the bar with the landlord Michilin-san and her customer. They were all nice people. By the time we left Chatroom, it was about 11:30 pm. I missed my last train already. But what the heck, how much money can I afford to pay for such an occasion in life? Money isn't everything, it's not important though neccessary. Besides, my senior always pay for everything. Hey be sociable once in a while, you will get rich, in heart.
We went to another bar. Before that Hama-san got me to call the landlord first. I didn't know anything about the bar, but it's for sure they knew each other very well, because when I made a courtesy call and mentioned Hama-san is coming over now, she just said yes. I presume they must have known each other very well.
So, we went. Hama-san was like a boy when got drunk. He kept apologised, "gomen ne, Ai-chan (the landlord's nickname)" for dropping by so late. I think she was like going to close the bar if I didn't have called. Ai-san - it is rude for me to call chan because I am too young to be friendly - already knew Hama-san for more than 20 years. Then Hama-san said he was hungry, so Ai-san boiled some soba to serve with soy sauce for us. The deliciousness of the little dish didn't come from the ingredient, perhaps from the relationships of two friends. It was a cold soba, but it warmed my heart for a while, being able to witness it and I was glad to be given the chance.
Hama-san left within 30 minutes. Since I got to wait for the earliest train around 5 am to go back, I already decided to hang around somewhere in town. Then Ai-san was glad to meet me, and we started to chat. We talked about lots of things, I knew what I was talking, but I can't recall to write it down now. Time pushed the clock to run and I started to feel sleepy. Oh, I had been awake the whole day! And with the drink, I was half way in the paradise, ma'n.
I asked to have a nap, but I slept for 2 hours. I felt so sorry when I woke up, as Ai-san has been awake there, just waiting there, like a mother who never complains her kids. I apologised. Then we walked out. She took her bicycle. I said see you sometime again. I meant it.
It was about 4 am, Tuesday. I walked towards the station. The gate was already opened. Lots of memory of the past popped up and greeted me. I couldn't recall when was the last time I had late nights. I know my back is going to ache and kill me. All I could think of was go back and have a good bath, soak myself in the bath tub. And while part of me tried to stay awake in order not to miss my station, part of my soul has been invited to the dreamland.
Work, I hate you. If not because of you, I can just sleep as I like, but now I only have one and a half hours to nap and got to wake up again and go to work.
Things to do: Write to Hama-san to say thank you. Done. Buy some Japanese pickles for Ai-san for apology. Hama-san briefly mentioned that she likes pickles.
After work, I went again. I passed her the pickles, and interestingly, she just bought something, so she decided to give me back something in return. It was instant curry pack. We laughed, as it was supposed to be the other way.
Be Hopeful and Know Oneself
Saturday, October 25, 2003
It's getting cold nowadays. Got to dig out all the autumn clothes. So troublesome. In Malaysia, you get to go around the whole year with only one T-shirt. I missed those days.
I have been so busy at work, I broke my own record, working five full days. There might be a chance I got to go back to work tomorrow, on Sunday. Money is what everyone wants, huh? Well, it's better than jobless though.
Yesterday, I came back late, then lazy to cook or even to buy any bento, so I went to a family restaurant nearby. Ordered nasi goreng. Not really the Malay style, rather Indonesian I would say. It was so so, not so bad. Then I started to enjoy my drink and read my little book I always carry along in my pocket. Between reading I looked around once in a while, and found it's amazing how busy this restaurant was at this midnight hour (almost 1 am). I tried to figure out what sort of people they were - like what kind of relationships or their occupation - but I couldn't grab a hint at all.
Previously there was once my wife came to the same restaurant at night after the kids went to bed. She wanted to have her own time. There was a conversation between two college students and a professor, not sure of the real rank, he was called sensei in Japanaese, means master. They were talking about life! Students didn't feel the energy to do anything, and the sensei kept telling them must work hard, shouldn't give up, that sort of thing. The most interesting part - according to my wife - was, at the end, the students asked, "Sensei, why are you so energetic?"
Young fellows are dead in this country.
Or those who wants to do something for others definitely feel disappointed because there isn't anything to do to achieve that in Japan! That's why so many youngsters go to search an answer in religion, like Aum. The answer is in you, your life.
Perhaps it is the phenomenon in most so-called well developed (in terms of materialism, let's put it.) countries. There isn't anything to do for the next generation. Everyone thinks one got to work for your own, on your own, but for a year or two after one starts to work, one will know that most of the things one needs to learn already being learned (learning and knowing are two different things), and money, car, house, etc. these things are just greed, there will not be enough. No one ever thinks that salary is enough, that's the mechanism of capitalism. Capital! Everything got to be big and huge. You got 5 thousand dollar in hand, you think you got 5 thousand, but when the bank tells you it is only worth 3 thousand dollar. The paper that you are holding hasn't changed, but you start to think that you lost 2 thousand just because wind blows. Hyuuuu!
People want to live with a reason. That's what we have been doing, live for an answer. And the answer will come to us only when we die. But the point is, I think, is not the achievement, but rather the searching part, the process is what makes us feel great to be alive. Worry never ends, as long as we live, that's what we do, worry about life. And when we keep active, that's how it balances up the worry. Worry is the work of brain, and we move with bodies. You got to move. But, don't watch too much movie. :)
For me, the best way to be hopeful, is to have kids. That's the most real hope that I ever felt. Things that you hope for that is outside your territory always comes back with disappointment. Well, kids does betray what we want them to be, but that's not the same disappointment, rather it comes back as a surprise always.
I hit Erin's hand when she does something wrong, always the case, she cries. Same I do it on Karin even she just turned 1 year old last Saturday. But, once when Karin was tearing my books, before I realised Erin was hittting her hand and shouting "dame (you shouldn't)!" to her little sister, and grumbled exactly like what I used to do even she still couldn't really speak in sentences. Watching them, I am like looking into a mirror.
That's the beauty to be alive, we learn, and we know ourselves.
Work Hard Die Hard
Sunday, October 26, 2003
Yesterday night, a gathering for 3 old friends at a German pub under a railway track. Long long story, we had lots of laughter, talk, and remembrance about how we went to Singapore, Malaysia, and at Tioman island how we all almost got drown, etc. Youth is so young. It was almost 12 years ago.
Masaya who works as certified public accountant in one of the big name consultant firm, came with his wife. Hiroshi is working for a small publisher. Masaya who started to feel work pressure nowadays, recently had not been feeling well. In Japan, I ever heard that most of the newly-jointed fresh graduates bleed in urine in consulting line. Not sure how big is his consulting firm, Masaya's company got a record of averagely "an employee a year dies due to overwork." So, I have been trying to terrify him he would be the next one. Hiroshi, who is very good in massaging, gave him a rub (on the road!). His back was so stiff that his right hand couldn't turn around.
Before, another friends of mine told me that, stress is not enemy, learn to get around with it if you want to win. Masaya has been working too hard I think. I said I had stiff neck and shoulders before. I think, work never really pays off. You got to know your limits. It's easy to say than done. But, there is nothing I can do. I said it, and if he can't change his situation, what I can do? That's sad, if he really dies of overwork.
When doctor says, you got stress, it means that the present job is not suitable for you. But, on the other hand, is there any job that is really suitable or perfect in life?
I doubt it. Is it why people say, you got to work it out?