Friday, April 2, 2004
We were having lunch.
Sitting at the restaurant, I was wordless. I let him to decide what to have. He selected steak with fried vegetables.
All the things he mentioned—the company, the staff, the management, the prospect, the bright future that the company is heading to—so lively in real life yet all the dreams seemed so distance from me. I couldn't share his dream. Why? He sat besides me on my right. That's right. The teppanyaki chef was cleaning up the hot plate to cook our share.
"Things gonna change for the better, I'm sure."
I wasn't sure. Which things? The question was still in me. I have had yet to let it go into the air.
For a while, I could hear the breeze from the air-con.
Changing the subject, I asked about his pet. His pet. I didn't even know what pet he has. He answered me. I didn't catch a thing. Dog. Bark. Tree. I smiled to myself. I didn't insult him mentally, but the word just popped up. Excuse myself, I looked around the restaurant.
He talked about his plan, which wasn't mine. Of course. My mind kept analysed what my ears captured and it kept echoed with some other ideas which obviously all were too far away from my plan. I started to feel my breathlessness. I didn't belong here. Where do I belong to, anyhow?
The lunch ended. We were guided to a bar to have our coffee. He was still talking about his future. The coffee was black and nice. Added some milk in it, I sipped silently. It reminded Mrs Peterson used to make delicious coffee when I lived with them. I wonder how are they doing. When was the last time I wrote? Yesterday seemed so far away.
After lunch, I excused myself to go to buy some postcards.
Cherry blossoms everywhere.
Fragile
Saturday, April 3, 2004
When she speaks, she is a hell of a confident lady. Even with a little thing, she can argue it and turn into like the whole world is so lack of management. Management. Yes, she sometimes thinks that she is a friend of god. She for sure is ruling her world, whatever the hell the world she thinks that is.
Came this one day.
It was all due to my one little question. Just one question. Believe me, I forgot my question but it was a question.
And all of a sudden, I realised she was hurt, definitely. Because she starts again her defence. I cannot see the other party in me. Is she trying to protect herself? She is not under attack.
It could be a big wound. Unsophisticatedly, the word childhood came into my mind. But, I am not sympathetic as I am not a perfect human being who can stand upon her.
I can't stop but to wonder if her heart is repairable.
I Have Got Nothing to Say
Tuesday, April 13, 2004
And yet, I think I need to write something. Write about what? Anything. I am starting to lose my vocabulary. Not that I have a lot though.
Work is endless. There doesn't seem any chances that it will change for the better—slow down—and I know the reason of it. But, never have tried to change it. As I know it won't change much unless I change myself drastically. That's work, and I always say, you got to work it out.
Let's not talk about work.
I am thinking of giving it a redo of my site. I know some of you would say, if I really want to write, I will have been writing. I don't need an excuse. But, what's the problem of changing it? Nope. Then it is okay to change it again.
Last week, my relatives from Malaysia came over. So, I took the kids to see them. I was happy to see them, and was glad to be able to bring the kids to meet them. But, always the same questions, why don't you teach your kids to speak Chinese. I know, I can just say yes yes yes, I don't really need to take it seriously. But, still.
For heaven sake, why when you can't communicate with my family, then I got to do all the so-called traditional custom just to please you all? I am not such a polite human being, just to let you know. Yes, I can't speak well in Chinese, so what's wrong with it? Am I guilty for being at overseas and started to forget a few languages that I never fell in love with it? And what's wrong that I find a language that I like, and I think I express better in it, so living with it does it make me so sinful?
My relatives have done nothing wrong. Circumstance changes, and I have changed. So, please don't feel sad for my kids that they don't speak Chinese now. Just for your info, they don't speak Japanese either. Murmuring a few words doesn't mean anything.
So, forgive your sinful relatives who left home.
I have got nothing to say, anymore.
Searching for Debra Winger
Thursday, April 15, 2004
The documentary was good, I would say. Somehow, there is this thing that I was wondering. Why the American society is so much alike with the Japanese? Both society are so young. It gives me an impression that there are no adults in the society. I wonder what makes it so that gives me the impression, and since when it started to be like that. I am sure it wasn't like that. From history, it has become obvious especially after WWII. In one word, these two are brothers in a way. The big brother has been bullied the young one all the while, so the young one just does whatever the big brother says and asks. Yeah, may be it's time to give the young brother the rights to vote for the next president. Why not? Hey, it's about brotherhood, no?
Anyway.
Not that I don't understand what Rosanna Arquett wants to express. It's just that the thinking about family and career thing is so different that I really can't get her, or the society she is living in.
I need to figure it out.
I Get a Kick Out of You
Thursday, April 15, 2004
Yes, it's the song by Dinah Washington.
It wasn't part of my childhood, excuse me. When did I start to listen to English songs? I cannot recall well. I might have heard of English songs, but never have I really understood what all the lyrics were all about. I don't remember people's name, so the singers, actors, authors, even my relatives!
Just bought a pack of 3cds and that's the first song in it. I like it. At least I can understand what the oldies are trying to sing, not like, like, like, like the one in 8 Miles, a movie I saw recently on DVD. Gosh, I don't even catch a thing what that movie wanted to shout out. Rap? Wrap it up!
Islands that Make One Falls in Love
Friday, April 16, 2004
Well, I don't know, but this is so European, rich and luxury. One will never finds it in Japan. It is expensive!
It is Maldives, yes, romantic islands.
But, what happen if we go, and all my kids fall in love and don't want to come back? This is not for kids under age, what, 18?
Kids will have to wait till they grow up and start to earn their own money.
Another Try
Tuesday, April 20, 2004
Spending the whole night trying to do something, which, I am not sure if that's worth the effort. Anyway, sometimes I think one just needs this sort of "out track" excitement to push something going on, and then you can go on with something else.
Am just giving it a try of a new layout. Only the top page. Let's see how things go.
Am taking off all the bits and pieces on the front page, will think of putting it somewhere that can make the site looks clean and unmessy.
Want to add photos to the top, that's why. Picture size is 250 x 250. Might be a bit too big for the site, but I like it now. Nobody can stop me.
In fact, this software—Tinderbox—that I am using, it has a tag to pull random photos, randomline. So, I just created a note, and just add a line of img tag in it. Every time I add a new photo, I just add a line into that note. When I export it, it will randomly pick a line out from the note. So, you will see a photo whenever I upload. Not whenever someone reloads the site. I haven't seen anyone using it yet, may be it is not that useful. But, it is just nice for me.
A Fount of Knowledge
Tuesday, April 20, 2004
Well, I forgot to tell you where I got the inspiration, I mean the layout of the site.
In fact the template I used before this was from the same person. He is really an artist. Derek Powazek. He is doing his redesign of site every year, but this year he was three months late.
Where does the people get the energy and power to do so much of things, I really wonder.
How Dare You Frame Me into That Little Dark Box?
Tuesday, April 20, 2004
I'm interested in taking photos. From the shoot, I know what another story I can tell to the others. Whatever or however the nature looks, the way when I look into it, I already have another version of tales weaved with my imagination.
Recently, in order to push me to do some photo-shooting, I have been trying hard to find a lens for my Canon EOS 3000, the only camera I have been using all the while. Digital camera is convenient but it never really captures my heart. No matter what and how advanced it is or it will be, I am still convinced by my own eyes.
And to get myself publish the photos again on the web, I am thinking also if I should get a negative film scanner. To get one of them, it is more expensive than to get a lens. But, if I have that scanner, I can even scan my negatives that goes back to my university time. Yes, I still have all the negatives. Think of it! I start to convince myself it is worth than what I can imagine now.
I know there are some bars in Tokyo where they allow photographers to display their work of art in the bars for a short period of time like a week or a month. I'm totally alien when comes to camera, exposure, manual focus, and all the terms, but looking back at the photos that I have taken, I have lots of good stories to tell. That's what makes me want to give it a try, to have my own exhibition though I am not a photographer.
May be I will try to publish it in a small booklet, with a story in it. Yeah, why not? Of course, it is not all about my kids, it is about photography.
Give Me Love Before I Get Dehydrated
Thursday, April 22, 2004
I was reading two different novels—Japanese novels, as usual—and very interestingly it has a common action about the characters.
Both the authors are female, and both of them have this same character-building. There is always someone who keeps drinking water. Just water. He/she goes to the kitchen and get some water to drink. Yes, just water. Sometimes it is as if that is a way to release oneself, like give a sigh. [Sigh!]
In Japan as you can drink the water from the pipe, so there is no surprise about that. But, people like me from Malaysia even though know that it is save to drink from the pipe in Japan, and yet still very puzzle to do so. I guess it comes from daily practise. If you don't do it normally since young, you won't do it in daily life.
The water in city cannot be save, you don't know how many times it circles around and what little little things which you can't see with your eyes in it, that's why I cannot stomach the water from the pipe. But when I go to suburban area, and indeed the water tastes delicious. Do you have delicious water? We got lots of them in Japan, now packed in plastic bottles.
There is an interesting essay by Ikezawa Natsuki about water, or to be more specific, about river. He mentions that—those day when technology wasn't that advanced like today yet—Aristotle says the amount of water by rain doesn't provide the total amount of the water for rivers. If you want to know the details, read "Haha naru jizen no oppai (Mother's Nature Breast. This is not a good translation, but that's the meaning.)" Leonardo da Vinci says, "the sea water passes through underground, carried up to the mountains, mixes with the rain, and goes into the river."
It comes from experience and long hours of observation. It is science. People collects facts, sorts it out, and comes up with a hypothesis. A Forerunner pointed the direction. Somehow, the learner—including all of us—tends to look at one point, the fingerpoint. It is closer to the truth, people like to believe that. And people like shortcut. So the thing is, the people after didn't take it that way, rather just take it as a fact, and be prejudiced. Like when we read, we tend to think that it is a fact, especially news. Nothing is 100%.
Anyway, to figure out how much of rain that really runs through a river, it takes a hell of time and study. But, as Europe is rather mountainous as a whole, which means the amount of rain is less comparatively like to Japan or Malaysia. People like me who lived in Malaysia before, always had rain, and I always wondered how come the city hall couldn't handle the water well, as it sometimes overflooded in KL!
And what makes the differences between countries is that, the life that one lives with. So, when you do want to know what life is all about, don't make your head as big as a watermelon as it is only part of the body, live with your whole body, experience makes sense. Any assumption depends a lot on culture and climate. That's the point.
Japan is gifted with water, I think. But, somehow due to over population in particular areas or what, everywhere there is this tag or notice to ask you to corporate with water-saving especially in summer. But, the fact is, when summer ends, it always ends with a continuous arrival of typhoon. Japan never dries out, as far as I know. I have never heard of any hot spring that runs out of hot water. Have you?
Let's see if Touko has calmed herself down yet. Will she give up her life for her new love?
Hmmn, it's getting hot, indeed.
Calm Down, Don't Bark, My Dear
Thursday, April 22, 2004
So, Touko is going out with this married man, eventually. My my my. She meets him on Sunday while she walks her dog.
"You know what, the time is as if stopped." He says.
". . ."
It doesn't make sense to Touko. What? She asks herself.
"I mean when I'm with you, the time seems have stopped."
She isn't sure she understands what he said.
". . ."
"I mean it's like, like when you are in high school, for instance, the time when you see your friends, that sort of feeling, time seems have gone back to the old times."
"Isn't that mean time has gone back, instead of stopped?"
"Yeah, sort of."
The park is painted orange-gold by sunset. Her dog starts to get excited, so she says goodbye to him and she walks her dog home, to the mansion where her husband who always comes back late.
She is thinking what to cook for tonight's dinner. Perhaps Italian, she tries to recall what vege she has in her fridge, may be she needs to drop by at the yaoya to get some stuff.
Sunset falls fast at the end of the world.
There isn't Pet Bottle, Only Plastic Bottle
Monday, April 26, 2004
Pet bottle is Japanish. What a shame!
Last friday went for a movie at a preview myself, tltled The School of Rock.
My wife got the invitation actually through radio, but she asked me to go. The invitation is for up to two persons. I was busy with work, and also lazy to find someone to go with, so I went myself.
I haven't been going for movies at a theater for quite some time. The movie itself was okay, not so great, though. But I think any movie should be watched at a theater, and so that at least it is worth the money. Small screen spoils movie.
I used to go for movie even myself when in high school. Oh, I loved movie. Now, I do love movie, but not as passionate as before. I thought I would understand more now at this age, but I don't really like movie that much, as a matter of fact.
The security, you know it will end within the two hours or so, and after an hour, you know climax will come, so things aren't that excited when you know too much beforehand. That's what I don't like, yeah the security.
Movie is for people who don't like much adventure, may be.
I was Born to Love You with Every Single Beat of My Heart
Monday, April 26, 2004
My wife's friends came over for lunch on Sunday.
We had fusion cuisine. Creative dishes all by my wife. Her cooking is getting better everyday. And I am glad that I am married.
Slice onion and soak it in water beforehand, just before serve, wrap a few with raw ham, poke it with toothpicks, and squeeze some lemon on it. That's one dish. Slice avocado, and eat it with Japanese ponzu sauce, we served with small fish, smaller than britt, ikan bilis (So, ikan bilis comes from britt?), about three inches.
Other few dishes like fried chicken with herbs in oven, boiled pork and raddish with soy sauce, and Thai style fried beehoon with Hong Kong Penisular Hotel's X.O. sauce that my wife got from radio again.
Her friend later emailed her, saying, a happy family depends a lot on the wife's cooking, and I think your family is save.
Freddie Mercury says it all.
Kenny G Makes You Weak, But Real Jazz Rocks You to the Top of the World
Tuesday, April 27, 2004
Would you mind give it a check on your spelling mistake before you publish your post, Mr Ken Loo?
No, I don't mind, Sir. I will try my best, when the need arises.
I have Kenny G with me, but I don't seem to play it nowadays. The other day, I was reading another novel (I only read novels nowadays, real life is a bit too boring, that's why), and the heroine was listening to Kenny G. And she wonders, why Kenny G ('s music) makes her becomes so lonely.
I used to have a similar feeling about music. I thought a good music touches ones heart that moves the bottom of ones heart. But, when I read the paragraph, it corrected me, or it gave me another new definition about music.
When a person is lonely, that person in fact has become charming in a way. When you see a person cries, what is the mental condition of yours, have you ever thought about it? It has some similar psychology in it.
When you feel sympathetic for someone, you are actually having a sense of superiority to the someone. And I never like the me.
I think modern pops has this trend in singing city life's solitary temperament. A person gets weak especially living with a city life that the ground is no more a real ground. That's why this lyrics shares lots of people's heart. We all live on a sky-high mirage.
When you find out that someone shares your weakness, you don't feel lonely anymore, so does it mean good? You haven't really confronted to your loneliness. Feeling good doesn't mean it is good.
That's the end of a beautiful friendship, Nat King Cole says.
What Did You Say? I Beg Your Pardon!
Wednesday, April 28, 2004
So, there comes this job, type out an interview tape. What do you call this sort of job?
It isn't a tape, it was recorded with a digital voice recorder. So advanced the little recorder that it recorded every single noise around the interview space but not the speakers' voice. Sigh sigh sigh. And to make it worse, they spoke English. The interviewer cum interpreter was a Japanese lady who used lots of you know—which I don't know—and most of the time I cannot catch a thing what she was trying to ask in English. She spoke fluent Japanese of course, and that took up most of the recording time. The person who got interviewed was a Filipino.
I think basically Asian people are not used to public speaking and been interviewed, that's why when we speak, there are lots of wasteful information that we use daily with no problem, but it becomes such a weakness when it is exposed in public.
It reminded me when I worked as an interpreter before. Interpretation takes a day or half, and within the short time, you got to know who you are going to talk to, that is rather impossible. Experience of course does count, but I think how well you can know your client and the person your client is going to talk to within a short period depends a lot on ones personality. If you have no interest in knowing human being, then you will not understand the whole deal.
Like this interview that I was listening to, I can tell the Japanese lady was trying hard to please her client, who is a Japanese. Well, that's why she was employed for the job. And the Filipino was trying hard to persuade the other party in order to get a scholarship. But he has his pride. So, the question that the lady asked him, sometimes it sounded rude, not because she was rude, but her way of using the casual English makes the whole thing sounded a bit unmatched and messy. I can feel her incapability that she tried hard to cover it up by explaining well in Japanese to her client. But, she spoke more than what he said.
Still, I like this assignment. I can see lots of things.
Why Southeast Asian people are weak overall in international society. Except Chinese, the environment isn't tough. It's this easy going weather that form the character, and lack of population to form a competitive society is also an issue. Indonesia is crowded though. Well there isn't such a need to be competitive in the first place. Things are kind of easy.
On one side, Japanese environment isn't that tough though it has a very high density of population. It's the consciousness that has shaped Japanese as a nation.
So, I was listening and typing, thinking of all the things that I thought before and forgot, and while trying hard to listen what she asked next, she came out something rather suddenly.
"OK. Let's got for lunch."
I almost fainted, figuratively. She added her preference in it, whether she mentioned about what she liked or didn't like I couldn't catch her well. Stop the recorder please, for heaven sake.